Safety Planning | River Valley Shelter

All About Safety Planning

Your safety is our first priority.

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You are not Alone.

You are never to blame for the abusive actions of others. While responsibility for ending abusive behavior is your partner's and theirs alone. There are several steps you can take to protect yourself on your path to long-term safety.

Remember that you always have options: our advocates are always available to discuss your situation and help create a personalized safety plan that's right for you.

General Safety Planning

You can build your support system and find ways to be safer. This applies to whether staying with an abusive partner or leaving. You can't control your partner's abusive behavior. However, you can take steps to protect yourself (and your children if you have any) from harm. You know your situation best. You know when remaining in the home and/or in the situation is no longer an option. Safety plans are important whether you are staying in or leaving a relationship.

Planning to Leave

Leaving takes planning. Think about the following questions. With time and the support of friends or a domestic violence advocate, you can make a safe plan for leaving.

How can you get money?
Will you be safe at home until you leave?
When can you leave?
How will your partner react?
What might prevent you from leaving safely?
Will you take legal action?

Staying in the Relationship

If you stay, you can find support and safety. Think of answers to the following questions. Remember, staying as safe as possible is the top priority.

If you're called names, how can you take care of yourself emotionally? What friends can you trust?
Is there a safe place to stay in case you need to leave for a few days if it gets dangerous or if you need a break?
What is the best place in the house to avoid serious injury from your abuser?
What is the best physical position to take to avoid serious injury?

Leaving the Relationship

Leaving is a big life change. You can still be in danger from your abuser. Think about the following questions. A new life is possible, even if it is hard to imagine.

Will you have to move or change jobs so you can't be found?
Will you need to stop talking to certain friends?
Will you need to take a break from social media?
Will you call the police or get an Order of Protection?

Let's Make a Safety Plan

A safety plan is a set of actions that can help lower your risk of being hurt by your partner. It includes information specific to you and your life that will increase your safety at school, home, and other places that you go on a daily basis. It helps to reduce your risk of being hurt. Safety Planning can help you safely escape violence, protect your children, and get assistance or support if needed. The changes that occur may be big, like going to a shelter or changing schools. The changes may be small ones, like having to change your email passwords or the route you take to work.

Take some time to go through each section of your safety plan. For this safety plan to work for you, the information you fill in must be honest and accurate.

Once you complete your safety plan, be sure to keep it in an accessible but secure location. You should also consider giving a copy of your safety plan to someone you trust.

If you don't feel safe keeping the printed safety plan or emergency contact card with you, then you can still use the safety tips. Try to memorize at least one phone number of someone you can call at any time.

You know your situation better than anyone else; trust your judgment and weigh your options before taking any steps.

Before and During an Attack

When an attack starts, try to escape. If you feel you are in danger, leave your home and take your children, no matter what time it is. Go to the house of a friend or relative or a domestic violence shelter.
Defend and protect yourself. Later, make sure to take photos of your injuries.
Call for help. Scream loudly and for as long as you can. You have nothing to be ashamed of - the abusive person does.
Stay close to a door or window so you can get out if you need to.
Stay away from the bathroom, kitchen, and any place where weapons could be.
Practice your escape. Know which doors, windows, elevators, or stairs would be best.
Have a packed back ready. Hide it in a place that you can get too quickly.
Identify neighbors you can tell about that violence. Ask them to call the police if they hear signs of domestic violence coming from your home.
Have a "code word" to use with your children, family, friends, and neighbors. Ask them to call the police when you say that word.
Know where to go if you have to leave home, even if you do not think you will have to.
Trust your instincts. Do whatever you have to do to survive.

Be Safe When You Live on Your Own

Change the locks on your doors as soon as you can. Put locks on all your doors and windows.
Ask your local phone company (and your cell phone company) for an unlisted number. Sometimes, this service may be free of charge.
Teach your children how to be safe when you are not with them.
Make sure your children's school or daycare provider knows who is allowed to pick up your children.
Tell your neighbors and landlord that your spouse or partner no longer lives with you. Ask them to call the police if they see your spouse/partner near your home.

Get a Protective (Restraining) Order

Ask the court for a protective order and always keep it with you.
Make sure your local police department gets a copy of your restraining order.
Call the police if your spouse or partner breaks the protective order.
Keep notes about any contacts, threats, messages, or letters your spouse or partner sends to you. If your spouse or partner leaves messages on your answering machine, save the messages.
It is always a good idea to share any contacts, threats, messages, or letters your spouse or partner sends you with a trusted person.
Think of how to stay safe in case the police do not get to you right away.
Give copies of your protective order to everyone listed on the order and to family, friends, neighbors, and your children's school or daycare.

Be Safe at Work and in Public

Tell the security personnel where you work. Give them a photo of the person you need protection from.
Decide who else to tell at work about your situation.
Ask someone at work to screen your telephone calls.
When you leave work, have someone walk with you to your car, bus, or train.
Do not take the same route home every day.
Think about what you would do if the person you need protection from approached while you are getting to or from work.

Get Ready to Leave

Open a savings account in your own name. Give the bank a safe address, like a post office box or your work address.
Leave money, an extra set of keys, and copies of your important papers with someone you trust. You may need to leave home fast, and you will need these things later.
Think about who you could stay with and who might be willing to lend you money.
Keep the phone number of the local domestic violence shelter nearby (or store it in your cell phone, if that is safe). Keep some change or a calling card with you at all times so you can call if there is an emergency.
Leaving is the most dangerous time. Thinking about your safety plan before you leave will help you when the time comes.
If you must leave your children, get them back as soon as possible. Get legal advice or call a domestic violence agency.

Your Safety and Emotional Health

If you are thinking about going back to a situation that could be abusive, talk with someone you trust about alternatives.
Think Positive thoughts about yourself.
Read books, articles, and poems to help you feel stronger.
Decide who you can call to get the support you need.
Go to a support group. You will get support and learn about yourself, domestic violence, and relationships.

What to Take With You When You Leave

Try to keep these things in your purse or wallet:

Driver's license or ID
Social security card
Welfare ID
Passport or green card
Money
Checkbooks
Credit cards
ATM cards
Bankbooks
Bank Account Numbers
House and car keys
Address Book

If you have the time, take these things, too:

Medications
Medical, life, and auto insurance papers
Divorce papers or marriage license
Immigration/legal residency papers
Court orders, restraining orders
Birth certificates for you and your children
Police reports or documentation of previous abuse
Lease or rental agreement, house deed
Medical and school records
Jewelry or small objects you can sell
Car registration and title (pink slip)
Family photos
Children's clothing and small toys
Extra glasses or contact lenses

Supporting a Friend or
Loved One

It can be hard to know how to support a friend or loved one who is experiencing domestic abuse. Your first instinct may be to protect them, but intervening directly can be dangerous for you and them. There are many different ways you can help.

Supporting a Survivor

You can provide help and support for a friend or loved one who is experiencing abuse.

Express your concern. Accept that your friend is in a very difficult, scary situation. Let your friends know that the abuse is not their fault, you believe them, and you are concerned about their safety. Encourage your friends to express their feelings and get help.

What can I do to help?

Create a safe space. Make sure you speak in private. Make it clear that you won't judge. Only then might they feel safe enough to open up.

Tell them you're worried. Try "You haven't seemed yourself lately. Is there anything you want to talk about? Is everything OK at home?"

Tell them it's not their fault. Your friend might blame themself. Tell them they are not to blame. The abuser alone is responsible.

Don't judge them. Don't ask why they haven't left or judge their choices. Instead, build their confidence and focus on their strengths.

Remind them they are not alone. They may have been deliberately isolated. Say you are there for them, and that there are solutions and that support is available.

Encourage them to contact us. Ensure they can contact us 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Help them find out about their rights and options.

Give them time. It might take a long time before they confide in you. Be patient. Recognising they problem in the first step.

What might someone experiencing domestic abuse be feeling?

They may be overwhelmed by fear
They may believe they are to blame and that if they somehow change then the abuse will stop
They may experience many conflicting emotions. They may still love their partner, but hate the abuse. They may live in the hope that the abusers good side will reappear.
They may be dependent on their partner, emotionally and financially.
They may feel shame, guilt, and embarrassment.
They may feel resigned and hopeless and find it hard to make decisions about her future.
They may worry about leaving for the sake of their children.

How can I Help Them and Their Children Stay Safe?

The safety of your friend or loved one and their children is paramount. Talk to them about how they can stay safe. You could:

Agree on a code word so they can signal when they are in danger and need you to get help
Find out about services that could support them locally or nationally
Offer to keep a spare set of keys for them or important documents, such as passports, bank account details and benefit information so that they can access them quickly in an emergency.
Keep a log of the abusive incidents; encourage them to keep copies of emails and texts.
Enourage them to call local resources to discuss safety planning.

Remember, in an emergency and if you fear for your friends safety, always call 911.

Why Won't They Leave?

It takes a great deal of courage to leave someone who controls and intimidates you. Try not to put pressure on your loved one to leave right away. Leaving is not a single act. It is a process that takes time. Let her know that you are there for her, no matter what she decides to do.

There are many practical and psychological barriers to ending a relationship with an abusive partner, including:

Safety: They may be fearful of what the abuser will do to them and the children if they leave or attempt to leave
Lack of self-confidence: They may believe that it is their fault and that they deserve the abuse, and may fear that they will never find anyone else if they left
Denial: They convince themselves that "It's not that bad."
Shame: They are embarrassed about people finding out
Guilt: The abuser makes them believe that they are to blame for the abuser's actions
Financial Dependence: The friend may not be able to support themselves and their children independently
Loyalty: They may be loyal to the abuser regardless of their actions
Hope: They believe that things will improve with time or that they can make the abuser change
Lack of Support: They don't know where to turn for help
Pressure: Family and friends pressure them to stay and 'make it work'
Religious/Community Beliefs: They are under pressure not to break up the family
Love: Despite the abuse, the friend still loves the abuser
Jekyll and Hyde: The abuser switches between charm and rage; the friend thinks, "They aren't always like this."
Intimidation: The abuser threatens to take the children and pets away
Immigration: If your friend has an insecure immigration status, they may fear being deported
Gender Roles: They might normalize their behavior because of the abusers gender.

What Can I Do to Support Them?

Give them time to open up. You may have to try several times before they will confide in you.
Try to be direct. Start by saying something like, "I'm worried about you because...' or "I'm concerned about your safety..."
Do not judge them or their partner - this may alienate or make them feel ashamed.
Believe them. Too often, people do not believe someone when they first disclose abuse.
Reassure them that the abuse is not their fault and that you are there for them. No one is responsible for another person's behavior.
Don't tell them to leave or criticize them for staying. Although you may want them to leave, they have to make that decision in their own time.
Focus on supporting them and building up their confidence. Acknowledge their strengths and remind them that they are coping well in a challenging and stressful situation.
Abusers often isolate people from friends and family. Help them develop or keep their outside contacts. This will help boost their self-esteem.
Be patient. Leaving an abusive partner is a process. It can take time for someone to recognize that they are being abused and even longer to make decisions about what to do. Recognizing the problem is an important first step.